February 15, 2011

First Lasts

Here I am again typing things I never thought I'd write. This month for me is a horrendous flood of horribleness. I am admittedly doing a really bad job at holding it together, too. If you know me, then you should just understand why I am what I am right now.

You see, this is the month of  first lasts.

Last year....

On February 1st it was my mom's last birthday. The last one she was alive. The last thing I gave her were monogrammed pillow covers. The last birthday meal we had was at Tokyo Garden. She had teryaki chicken. I always thought that was so silly to order at a Japanese steakhouse.

February 8th was the last birthday my mom celebrated with my grandma. Grandma's birthday always 1 week later made it easy to remember.

February 9th was the last day my mom was in her house. The house my parents worked hard for to build for us. The house she decorated perfectly. I was in the house too, that day. I knew she didn't feel well. I should have done more to help her. I should have made her let me take her to the ER then.

February 10th was the last day my mom didn't know she had cancer.

February 14th was the last day my children saw my mother alive. 2010 Valentine cards are the last signed by her, as she had them all ready for them to mail, even though she felt bad. She always mailed them cards for every holiday no matter what.

February 15th was the last night my mom was coherent.

February 16th was the last day she breathed on her own.

February 22nd was the last time I felt hopeful she would be fine. She suffered full cardiac arrest that day.

February 24th was the last time I stayed all night with her in ICU. The last night I played George Straight for her and voice clips of the kids to her from my ipod.

February 25th, was her last breath. The last day that my normal ceased to exist totally and completely. The last time the 25th would just be my little sister's birthday. The last day as life as I knew it.

The beginning of first lasts.


TIFFANY said...

I am so sorry that this is such a tough month for you! November was one year since we lost my dad. For some reason, the one year mark was really hard but after that day passed, it has gotten a little easier. I still think of him and miss him everyday, but I find myself remembering the good things more and more and the pain is becoming a little less.
You and your family are in my prayers.

Baloney said...

Focus on all of the memories with her that are good and you will get through this. Notice, I don't say you will get OVER it.
I really am so sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair.

Dawn said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Aubree.

I truly can't imagine.

6 Happy Hearts said...

No words. Anything I type just doesn't sound right.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now! Praying you will find peace and comfort!

Jill of All Trades said...

So sorry for this. I have battled a lot of that since my friend Gail passed in March 2006 and my Momma July '06. It has been a rough 5 years but it will slowly, very slowly get better, I promise. Hang in there and know you have a lot of ears to listen and shoulders to cry.


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